Deterioration

This seems to be the theme behind most of the relationships in my life. They start off in a dreamlike state, slowly slipping in and out of consciousness with every phone call or meeting. But at the peak of this dream something always finds a way to wake me up. Usually, the disturbance is caused by uncontrollable circumstances, well uncontrollable by me. You see most of my relationships have ended due to other people's decisions on what to do with me or where to ship me off to. At least that seems to be the surface reason. Personally, the more I examine my relationships with people the more I realize they are based on events which occurred before I even could understand the connection between two or more entities. Before I could understand that the absence of one individual can determine the fate of everyone I would ever interact with. Before I was even able to process what was happening, she left. And once she left, it was never the same. After that day my ability to believe in the possibility of a story book life ended. Subconsciously, I felt as if there would never be the chance to be apart of a life as good as the one she took when she left. This may be the reason why I feel so outcast-ed at times because everyone is searching for that perfect life: A mom, dad, children, white picket fence with a house on a hill, but I feel like that life has come and gone with me. A viewpoint on life that can be attributed to years of deterioration of the perfect family. A generally accepted idea is that a building with a strong foundation will be sturdy for years to come but you see the crazy thing about deterioration is that it cares not about the structure or strength of a building's foundation. All it cares about is destruction. So the question that arises is how do you prevent the onset of deterioration and that is a question that I do not have the answer to. Maybe the first step is to identify the source and if this is the case I may be closer to erasing it out of my life than I thought.
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