Double Sided Mirror

So today I didn't know what to talk about so I asked one of my few friends for a topic suggestion. I told myself anything she say I'm going to write about even though she's known to drop the ball. And this time surprisingly, she dropped the ball. Her topic suggestion was plastic surgery but the more I thought about it the more I realized how interesting the topic is. Not so much the surgery itself but the mindset of the person going into the surgery. I just wonder who the person is trying to look like once all the surgeries are done. After they get their nose done, their stomach done, their arms done, their legs, face, wrinkles, hands...well you get the point. I just wonder what person they have in mind and who created this character. Is it someone they feel they would be comfortable with because it lacks all of the items that make them insecure? Is it someone whom society would deem beautiful or is it just someone that reminds them of someone they admire. No matter who the person is they are trying to become, one thing I have come to realize is that until you are comfortable with yourself you will always find problems in your being. If its not your weight, it'll be your eye color and if its not any of them it will be the length of your hair. Basically, you have to be happy with what plastic surgery can't change before surgery can have any affect on what you see in the mirror.
-Till The Next Page

Late Night THoughts

Loneliness has a funny way of creeping up on you. It waits till you think life is going pretty good, where everything is in order and then BAM...night time comes and your goin to sleep with no one to talk to. Now I never been a sucker for love but at times I would like to know what it feels like to know someone cares about you as much as you care about them. See thats what I believe the most important aspect of loving someone is. Knowing that the love is mutual. Knowing that you have someone that will listen when you wanna talk. Knowing that you have someone who will talk when you wanna listen. Just knowing that someone is there. I just wanna know.
-Till Next Page

Uncertainty

Life is so cold, so I'm drawn to the heat
Money is so low, so I'm drawn to the streets
So much to say, so I'm drawn to the beats
Just me and my two feet
moving forward slow creep
Staring at the mountains, so I'm drawn to the peaks
looking up at the sky, stars seem out of reach
Staring up at the heavens, like God look at me
Feeling by myself, so alone's what I'll be
Never feeling at home no matter where I sleep
Always hungry for more no matter what I eat
People turn to prey, everyone resembles sheep
And I'm feeling like a lion, while most u niggaz lying
like u in my pride but really poachers after me
Everything looking shady is it truth that I see
Everyone looking shady so the truth's what I seek
Everybody talking is it truth that they speak
or just ulterior motives hiding between they teeth
-Till Next Page

Just a segment from my life

Today when deciding what to write about, nothing came to mind. I was going to write about ego or life being a game, but when I began to write about either topic nothing came to mind. I believe the reason is that they were just components to an overall topic which many do not have the privy to know about. A topic that stays hidden so well that which you think you know is probably twisted in a way that the truth is not revealed, just tarnished and stained into what you believe. The only topic that is truly mine, my life. Right now I don't know if my ego is clouding my decisions or am I just following destiny. I'm starting to realize that the only way you can determine your life is by doing what you want to do. You listen to the advice people give you but in the end you make a decision that you feel is the best for you because no matter what people believe is right you will be the one that enjoys the sun or puts an umbrella up for the rain. Many times people seem to forget that it's your life. They give suggestions that would be applicable only if they were in your shoes. They don't see the parts of the situation which you don't show them or feel the emotions that you don't reveal. All they know is the outer layer, the layer where you keep it together, the layer that you have the most control over, the layer that doesn't matter. Who cares if you seem sane and content, if on the inside you are one step away from going off the edge. The “wisest” people don't realize that the more they tell you what to do the more they are pushing you closer to the edge of an abyss that you can not come back from. A place where your darkest outlook exists. A place where the rest of the world does not matter, there is only you. A place I leave and revisit like an addicted gambler stuck at a craps table. He knows this next roll may destroy his life but this next roll could be the “big one”. This is what keeps him going, that feeling that this next move will get his life back in order, where all his misfortunes will seem worth it, where he can wake up and think “today is a great day”.
-Till Next Page

Priorities

The one thing everyone believes they should have. Many people feel as if their life would be pointless without even to have to consider having them. But y? If your life is supposed to be ordered and already written for you its already written in stone that you will either succeed or fail. Like if you were a person who was destined to fail, no matter what you do you would fail. The only question of failure is whether you gonna be the Maurice Claurett failure or OJ Simpson failure. But the opposite works in a little different way. Like you can measure success like you either a Wiz Khalifa success or a Lil Wayne success, but if you asked either of them if they were successful they would both say yes. This is because success is based off what you think. Maybe since its already ordered its already determined how high your gonna be. Therefore priorities are pointless because no matter where or how you walk you end up in the same place. But the way I see it, if i'm going to end up in the same place anyway, I might as well be fresh when I get there. Destiny might have it already determined where you going to go but it don't determine your condition. At least thats what keeps me going, cuz a lot of things are happen that are out of your control and its nice to know that you at least have control over how others view your success.... demise.
-Till Next Page

Fake is the New Real

Bitch its just a beer, but its really not that serious
Emotions on a rage,got me thinking mad-delirious
Targeting my allies, accepting my enemies
Feeling all alone, no one is a friend to me
Stress on my mind can't find away to erase
This stress on my mind, anger built right into my face
The one who's on my side, the main one I thought had my back
Was really just a lie, Where fake is the only fact,
The bullshit had me fooled, both eyes under dark flaps
It all was just a front to a place I'm not going back
- Till Next Page

So Sick of the Shit

The thing about shit is that you only step in it with shoes that you just cleaned. Shoes that you looked at one day and said “I'm sick of these dirty ass shoes, I'm about to scrub all the mess off them and take good care of them this time” So after you spend your time and scrub and scrub....and scrub, your shoes look like brand new, except its a different newness because you caused it to happen. You took the time to clean and scrub and wash. You made the conscious effort to get rid of the dirt. But as soon as you put them on your feet and begin to get a nice stride going, guess what? The shit comes. And its not just regular shit either, its that greenish, yellowish, brownish shit. Where as soon as you step in it the pungent odor destroys your sense of smell. Once this smell finally reaches ur brain you are faced with two decisions: To either just throw the shoes away or take the time to clean them.....again.
-Till next Page

Deterioration

This seems to be the theme behind most of the relationships in my life. They start off in a dreamlike state, slowly slipping in and out of consciousness with every phone call or meeting. But at the peak of this dream something always finds a way to wake me up. Usually, the disturbance is caused by uncontrollable circumstances, well uncontrollable by me. You see most of my relationships have ended due to other people's decisions on what to do with me or where to ship me off to. At least that seems to be the surface reason. Personally, the more I examine my relationships with people the more I realize they are based on events which occurred before I even could understand the connection between two or more entities. Before I could understand that the absence of one individual can determine the fate of everyone I would ever interact with. Before I was even able to process what was happening, she left. And once she left, it was never the same. After that day my ability to believe in the possibility of a story book life ended. Subconsciously, I felt as if there would never be the chance to be apart of a life as good as the one she took when she left. This may be the reason why I feel so outcast-ed at times because everyone is searching for that perfect life: A mom, dad, children, white picket fence with a house on a hill, but I feel like that life has come and gone with me. A viewpoint on life that can be attributed to years of deterioration of the perfect family. A generally accepted idea is that a building with a strong foundation will be sturdy for years to come but you see the crazy thing about deterioration is that it cares not about the structure or strength of a building's foundation. All it cares about is destruction. So the question that arises is how do you prevent the onset of deterioration and that is a question that I do not have the answer to. Maybe the first step is to identify the source and if this is the case I may be closer to erasing it out of my life than I thought.
-Till Next Page

The Bad Outweighs the Good

Saying goodbye to the right,
Like my dad did when I was younger and he said goodbye to his wife,
Who happened to be my mom,
no shoulder to cry on,
So I remained strong,
Continued to press on
through all the bullshit,
through all the sadness,
through all the blueness
No
I was never glad.
Tried the pulpit,
though all the words hit
Every night, same shit
Yes
I was always mad.
Was never really sure who the anger was for ,
So I placed it inward
No
I was never rad.
Not the coolest kid in school,
Even though I was social
Popularity's for fools
cuz its something I never grasped.
Even graduation felt like probation,
Real adoration
Yes
It all seemed like a fad
My life, just wasted time
Whose plan, it wasn't mine
Hoping one day to arise
When the good outweighs the bad

Just Searching for the Green

Emotions on the page
Poems on a rage
Mind's gone insane
Just searching for the green
But I keep it out my eyes
Cuz I seen many die
From wanting the other side
Just searching for the green
Life is kinda bummy
When there's lack of money
Broke jokes not funny
Just searching for the green
Those Franklins mean light
Those Benjamins mean life
Hope I don't lose mine
Just searching for the green
-Till Next Page

The Split

Life is said to be full of goodness, but at times it seems as if none is to be found. While others notice this phenomenon in natural catastrophes such as Haiti or Katrina, I see it in the small misfortunes that befall the common man. A single mother's unsuccessful attempt to receive aid from a government set in place to help people in her predicament or a failed attempt to start a business by a man on his last string. Where is the goodness in that? People try to make the argument that where there is good there is evil leading us to believe that there is a 50/50 split. When at best there is a 30/70 split with evil winning. Now I'm not inferring that more evil exists in the world than good. All I am suggesting is that in some areas the split is reverse. Personally, I just want to go where there is as much good as evil. Where I can wake up and know that I have an even shot at evil as well as good as opposed to waking up and trying to avoid the evil outside my doorstep. But who knows if this is possible? Maybe what bracket you fall in is determined before you were even aware of what good and evil is. Or maybe you have to go through one to reach the other. When you think about it those who had it good there whole life eventually meets an evil which they can not overcome while it seems that good only befalls those who aren't. Hopefully this evil outside my door step is prepping me for the goodness in my future. Till the next page.