The Calm

The sparkling of light reflects off the water drops of the constant down pouring of the rain.
The first sigh of relief, the first chance to breathe, at last the recoiling of the pain.
Which seemed to have no end, the reuniting of friends instead of their constant refrain.
Same car, same lane, same air, new plane, the almighty wonders of change.
Hopefully its sinking in, goes deeper than the skin, in the heart you hope it swims, even when light is dim.
With new wings to climb, wit new hooks to climb, never to repel to the cell of the wind.
Each move is exact, every footstep on track, never going back to sailing again.
Never going back to flailing your limbs
Impaling each kin with the scales of your sin.
The higher octaves of the constant downgrades
And the need to inhale, when under darkness you swim.
Internal abyss frightens, but not more than the lightening from the shock of loneliness in the depth of the dim.
Where creatures of self rise, lust, pity and pride
Red pupils, green eyes, envy from within
Trapped by chains of capture
To these monsters you're master
But slowly build strength for emancipation
When no union can save you save you
And though they forgave you
There still is a battle to calm them again.

The Journey Begins

Thinking how life would be different if I had someone's help
Who ignored they own agendas, helped me think for myself
Instead of placing me in paintings they envisioned for me
Allowed me to be Van Gogh on this canvas of dreams
Instead they stenciled it all out, made the setting and theme
And all I had to do was fill but that wasn't for me.
I was never the type to shade, never the type to bathe
In the smiles of the master, due to how I behaved
Well I did but not again
Never will I begin
To fit the mold, lose control, Confiding here through this pen
Is my only way out.
Out of this sea of doubt in which I'm currently swimming
Skinning dipping
Its filling my mouth
So as I begin to drink, its power changes how I think
Instead of wanting to stay afloat, I urge to sink
Just the freedom of letting go, conceding to the weights
Tired from life's slows, the hold-ups and the waits
The never gonna happens, the stops and negates
What-ifs from the past, contemplating them today
All are let go as the last air escapes
Out my lungs, life is done, at the end is my fate
On the way up the ground seems so far away
Until you hit it, with a force that leaves your body displaced
Surrounded now by pressure,which leaves my body encased
With nothing there, all is bare, my past life has erased
And when everything has left and all I have is my passion
I opened up my eyes and saw the gates of Atlantis.

Nothing Left to Say

At times I wonder if you care, wonder if your there, wonder if you see my pain without tears cuz I won't show it but hopefuly you know its there, Wish it could be different but honestly I couldn't bear your transformation to a creation whom I'm all to familiar with, not saying it was your fault just something that your dealing with, wish we coulda got dealt a betta hand, your my dad but it was time to be a man, felt like life was cylindrical and I needed a new plan, though I know you won't get it.....I hope you understand that I love you and if given a second chance, I'd go back to b4, but no longer open is that door, so I stay awake at night praying for the source of our issue, wishing I could wipe away this pain as easily as tears upon a tissue, but I can't, all I can do is say that I miss you, and hopefully its vice versa but if not you still guided my way like a cursor. And maybe secretly your proud of me, eyes getting red while writing, I'm blaming allergies, though no pollen is present.....I mean thats its for real...nothing left to say

Gray World

All it takes is one step and its back to the beginning
No matter how close to finish,
One misplaced pace can be the start of an ending.
So Im running trying not to get winded
But the lack of air to my heart can create light and dark blending
So I can't tell the difference between the shadows and the light
The real and the hype
The day and the night
Don't know if I'm sleeping on cloud covered concrete or really taking flight
Cuz when it feels like I'm living my dreams, reality strike
Got my pole in life and I'm just looking for a bite
Had a few before but they were just little pikes
Wrestled some sharks before but now its Mayday
My ship is crashing,lightning dashing
and no one's here to save me.
No FEMA or guard, National or otherwise
heard my call, seen me fall
but could care less if I live or die
So its just me and my innertube floating through the night
Jacket on but it takes more to preserve this life
Where nothing is ever handed, submission is demanded
and if you go out on your own, you are forever branded
as a failure
Since you went where they couldn't, did what they wouldn't
but those with dry lives say you shouldn't
be a sailor
But if we listened to those people the world would still be flat
The night would still be black
Most fiction still be fact.
Most people have dreams but only a few follow
Few peoples lives are filled, while most people's are hollow
And I'm trying not to echo
Its hard but I let go
of people tryna break fast, just let go my eggo
So I'm gone no hello, closing in on the end
Trying to see things as they are but they not when the colors blend

The Fast Lane

Life is never the same once the race has begun
Because the lane that you in is not the lane that you from
As you shift to accelerate, they try to slow you down
Making it longer in this cricle, slower moving round,
Slowly sitting down, Is your fans in the stands,
Said they'll be with you forever, well as long as your the man
But when you cease to be with clouds of doubt arisen
Qualifying's not an option need a top five finish
And the facts are the facts so your eyes on the track
With new focus, blood flowing, got the seat to your back
And your hands on the wheel, you directing where you go
You determine your own speed, so you deal with all the slows
But you cool with the pace, not concerned with going fast
Foes never get it, they just laugh as they pass
While you draft, from behind, let them have they shine
But they luster is all false, just deglossing with the time
And its just a matter of it till you cross your finish line
Hands grabbed, mouths gasp as they slowly fall behind
Adrenline your feeling, as slience enters the building
You try to pass, they not willing, so final lap no concealing
Your passion, your true intentions, no laughter you on a mission
No smile is on your face, your the prey thats being chased
But its cool your love the pace on your way to being great
Closer to the finish is further from the lag
But lifes not black and white once you get your checkered flag
Friends turn to enemies, you wonder why they envy me
They only there to pop the bottles once the race is finsihed see
They only there to see you win
Never will see them again
Once you lose, so you choose on who who your time is worth to spend
But these things are off your mind, laughter crosses on your face
Thinking bout the future in the past as you run your race.

The Wind Beneath Your Wings

Life is getting better so its hard to really write
Since people don't care if your happy or alright
They focus on your sadness, their daytime is your night,
Their sun is your moon, they love to see you fight.
They the fans of pain, rejoicing in your strain
They love to see your cripple but will never be your cane.
They love to see you drip, dribble, drop go insane,
They love to see slip, stumble, stop in the rain,
So they can be above, white like the clouds
Never dirty never stained so no one questions how
Or even questions why,they'd be the ones to hate.
Never wanna see you straight
Never wanna see you make it, they rather see you late,
for your 15 minutes,
rather one long sentence,
like a lot of words in terms of verbs they rather see you sittin
but they the reason that you standing, cause of your elevation
they give you inspiration to be fly like levitation
The only downside is the higher that you are
the colder it becomes, "Why you tryna to reach the stars"
Is the question that they ask as they sitting from the stands
But they the reason that you cool, so I guess thats why they fans

The Awakening

Looking down from this mountain, wondering if I made it
wondering if I should exert my strength or should I save it
Cancel the celebration, ceremony, sedation
Wishing with problems weighing, while precious moments are wasted.
Maintaining maximum focus, tired taking temptations
Tired of trotting in traps, while enemies are elating.
Not today nor no more, destruction of that there door
is imminent due to sentiments and scents I must abhor.
The smell of you signals vomit, your sight induces gore
Your constant combination completely corrupts decor.
So exit my house, these walls no longer need you
Your pessimistic persuasion personifying through people
Destroyed relationships with people I can't forget
So au revoir, farewell, goodbye o Laziness

-Till Next Page

To My Love

Ms.Brokenhearted girl I'm trying to change your last name but you won't give me a try.
Ms. Brokenhearted girl you can't look to the future since your mind is always trapped on rewind.
Ms. Brokenhearted girl when I look into your eyes I see reruns of the same show
So thats probably the reason that you think I'm in that season, new character, same episode.
Ms.Brokenhearted girl I'm trying to change your last name but you don't give me a chance,
I'm trying to be your knight in armor, fight your biggest fear, karma, but I can't when you kidnap my lance.
Always stop my advance to your heart,
Sabotage before I start.
Drenching our flame with old tears before it sparks.
So the lack of heat can make me cold once this situation's old, because I knew you were a problem from the start .
You know I'm willing to wait but how much more can I take b4 I have to escape Ms. Brokenheart

Nightmares

Feeling like a bum looking up into the night
Felling like a peasant daydreamin of knights
knowing dat my situation suggest otherwise but I'm tryna give myself reason to fight
Fight for tomorrow while im still in today
fight for my rights wit the chains of a slave
A slave thats thinking bout the freedom that money will bring while there's still bills to be paid
But how much must I pay to to get to this status
This unquenchable thirsts turning me into a savage
A caveman of sorts but I stay away from clubs, cuz the lack of bottle poppin turns me n2 the saddest
Just wanna know if these dreams will eva come to unfold
or is heaven just the sunshine for this hellhold
just something 2 wake up 2 and something before I sleep
With life's steady decline, just wanna know where I peaked

Day Dreaming

Cascade plains of wealth infused with images of self create the cool, blue water of my dreams
While I try to bask in the flow, I watch shadows cuz everything in the lights not what it seems
Cuz the sun exposes hype so at night a transformation occurs that no one can ever see
The change has got me feigning, Confrontations with my demons, in a land where I am no longer king
This life I'll never show
No one will ever know
And if so I never really cared
No one's here to disagree no positivity, just me and my thoughts and nightmares
So I'm steady tryna wake up
funds getting low, so I'm steady tryna cake up
Bread disappears so its hard to get my weight up
At times I hate my dreams I guess I shoulda just stayed up
But my minds made up and thats where it shall stay
In the world of the heavens where precipitation play
Where lightening and thunder lay undercover of the clouds
When thunder claps its the sex, when lightening strikes its the child
So my life is full of the sounds of love making with no protection as I go through the storm
While death is after me, I keep on running, avoiding the places where children are born

Untitled

Well I haven't posted something in what seems like forever. Its crazy because I've been off and yet had less time to really write. Also, the last few days I've been put into situations I'm not used to but was an experience none the less. But let me stop rambling and get to what you all came here to see. This poem/rap/whatever you wanna call it is just the outcome of the last few days so please excuse any randomness.


So many things I'm tryna say but not sure how to say it
no way to display it
not sure where to start
not sure bout my heart,
not sure of its presence,
not sure if it starts,
not sure if its leverage
to you cuz you know you still got a piece
but now when we together you just seam out of reach,
while I'm ignoring lessons won't let love teach, Cuz I don't wanna listen,
dats why I'm in detention,
facing all my demons, they bigger than what I feared,
writing down these tragedies feeling like Shakespeare,
he say its better to have loved and then lose it,
well tell that to my heart while your absence abuse it,
but I'll never let it show and never let you know,
and don't think that I'll interfere with your life cuz I won't ,
saw you with your new dude and honestly didn't care,
just wanted to let you know that I was still here.
Yes I'm still here and I know you prolly hate it,
kicked me to the curb cuz of words no debating,
so I just left, drew my path no retracing,
had to grow on my own,so its love no hating,
honestly the event at times makes me sick,
knowing how life's storms can destroy relationships,
so as the waves rage I remember the dry land,
before the clouds came just me and my old man.
Just me and my old man, wish I could attend that meeting
not for specifics, just wonder whats after evening
Do I get the cargoes ready for the summer
Or put the umbrella up ready for the rain
Do I get that nice tux ready for the slumber
Or get used to walking cuz I neva got my wings





P.S in the last line wings is pronounced wangs for all you not country people lol...Just so you wont think I tried to rhyme wings with rain...lol

Double Sided Mirror

So today I didn't know what to talk about so I asked one of my few friends for a topic suggestion. I told myself anything she say I'm going to write about even though she's known to drop the ball. And this time surprisingly, she dropped the ball. Her topic suggestion was plastic surgery but the more I thought about it the more I realized how interesting the topic is. Not so much the surgery itself but the mindset of the person going into the surgery. I just wonder who the person is trying to look like once all the surgeries are done. After they get their nose done, their stomach done, their arms done, their legs, face, wrinkles, hands...well you get the point. I just wonder what person they have in mind and who created this character. Is it someone they feel they would be comfortable with because it lacks all of the items that make them insecure? Is it someone whom society would deem beautiful or is it just someone that reminds them of someone they admire. No matter who the person is they are trying to become, one thing I have come to realize is that until you are comfortable with yourself you will always find problems in your being. If its not your weight, it'll be your eye color and if its not any of them it will be the length of your hair. Basically, you have to be happy with what plastic surgery can't change before surgery can have any affect on what you see in the mirror.
-Till The Next Page

Late Night THoughts

Loneliness has a funny way of creeping up on you. It waits till you think life is going pretty good, where everything is in order and then BAM...night time comes and your goin to sleep with no one to talk to. Now I never been a sucker for love but at times I would like to know what it feels like to know someone cares about you as much as you care about them. See thats what I believe the most important aspect of loving someone is. Knowing that the love is mutual. Knowing that you have someone that will listen when you wanna talk. Knowing that you have someone who will talk when you wanna listen. Just knowing that someone is there. I just wanna know.
-Till Next Page

Uncertainty

Life is so cold, so I'm drawn to the heat
Money is so low, so I'm drawn to the streets
So much to say, so I'm drawn to the beats
Just me and my two feet
moving forward slow creep
Staring at the mountains, so I'm drawn to the peaks
looking up at the sky, stars seem out of reach
Staring up at the heavens, like God look at me
Feeling by myself, so alone's what I'll be
Never feeling at home no matter where I sleep
Always hungry for more no matter what I eat
People turn to prey, everyone resembles sheep
And I'm feeling like a lion, while most u niggaz lying
like u in my pride but really poachers after me
Everything looking shady is it truth that I see
Everyone looking shady so the truth's what I seek
Everybody talking is it truth that they speak
or just ulterior motives hiding between they teeth
-Till Next Page

Just a segment from my life

Today when deciding what to write about, nothing came to mind. I was going to write about ego or life being a game, but when I began to write about either topic nothing came to mind. I believe the reason is that they were just components to an overall topic which many do not have the privy to know about. A topic that stays hidden so well that which you think you know is probably twisted in a way that the truth is not revealed, just tarnished and stained into what you believe. The only topic that is truly mine, my life. Right now I don't know if my ego is clouding my decisions or am I just following destiny. I'm starting to realize that the only way you can determine your life is by doing what you want to do. You listen to the advice people give you but in the end you make a decision that you feel is the best for you because no matter what people believe is right you will be the one that enjoys the sun or puts an umbrella up for the rain. Many times people seem to forget that it's your life. They give suggestions that would be applicable only if they were in your shoes. They don't see the parts of the situation which you don't show them or feel the emotions that you don't reveal. All they know is the outer layer, the layer where you keep it together, the layer that you have the most control over, the layer that doesn't matter. Who cares if you seem sane and content, if on the inside you are one step away from going off the edge. The “wisest” people don't realize that the more they tell you what to do the more they are pushing you closer to the edge of an abyss that you can not come back from. A place where your darkest outlook exists. A place where the rest of the world does not matter, there is only you. A place I leave and revisit like an addicted gambler stuck at a craps table. He knows this next roll may destroy his life but this next roll could be the “big one”. This is what keeps him going, that feeling that this next move will get his life back in order, where all his misfortunes will seem worth it, where he can wake up and think “today is a great day”.
-Till Next Page

Priorities

The one thing everyone believes they should have. Many people feel as if their life would be pointless without even to have to consider having them. But y? If your life is supposed to be ordered and already written for you its already written in stone that you will either succeed or fail. Like if you were a person who was destined to fail, no matter what you do you would fail. The only question of failure is whether you gonna be the Maurice Claurett failure or OJ Simpson failure. But the opposite works in a little different way. Like you can measure success like you either a Wiz Khalifa success or a Lil Wayne success, but if you asked either of them if they were successful they would both say yes. This is because success is based off what you think. Maybe since its already ordered its already determined how high your gonna be. Therefore priorities are pointless because no matter where or how you walk you end up in the same place. But the way I see it, if i'm going to end up in the same place anyway, I might as well be fresh when I get there. Destiny might have it already determined where you going to go but it don't determine your condition. At least thats what keeps me going, cuz a lot of things are happen that are out of your control and its nice to know that you at least have control over how others view your success.... demise.
-Till Next Page

Fake is the New Real

Bitch its just a beer, but its really not that serious
Emotions on a rage,got me thinking mad-delirious
Targeting my allies, accepting my enemies
Feeling all alone, no one is a friend to me
Stress on my mind can't find away to erase
This stress on my mind, anger built right into my face
The one who's on my side, the main one I thought had my back
Was really just a lie, Where fake is the only fact,
The bullshit had me fooled, both eyes under dark flaps
It all was just a front to a place I'm not going back
- Till Next Page

So Sick of the Shit

The thing about shit is that you only step in it with shoes that you just cleaned. Shoes that you looked at one day and said “I'm sick of these dirty ass shoes, I'm about to scrub all the mess off them and take good care of them this time” So after you spend your time and scrub and scrub....and scrub, your shoes look like brand new, except its a different newness because you caused it to happen. You took the time to clean and scrub and wash. You made the conscious effort to get rid of the dirt. But as soon as you put them on your feet and begin to get a nice stride going, guess what? The shit comes. And its not just regular shit either, its that greenish, yellowish, brownish shit. Where as soon as you step in it the pungent odor destroys your sense of smell. Once this smell finally reaches ur brain you are faced with two decisions: To either just throw the shoes away or take the time to clean them.....again.
-Till next Page

Deterioration

This seems to be the theme behind most of the relationships in my life. They start off in a dreamlike state, slowly slipping in and out of consciousness with every phone call or meeting. But at the peak of this dream something always finds a way to wake me up. Usually, the disturbance is caused by uncontrollable circumstances, well uncontrollable by me. You see most of my relationships have ended due to other people's decisions on what to do with me or where to ship me off to. At least that seems to be the surface reason. Personally, the more I examine my relationships with people the more I realize they are based on events which occurred before I even could understand the connection between two or more entities. Before I could understand that the absence of one individual can determine the fate of everyone I would ever interact with. Before I was even able to process what was happening, she left. And once she left, it was never the same. After that day my ability to believe in the possibility of a story book life ended. Subconsciously, I felt as if there would never be the chance to be apart of a life as good as the one she took when she left. This may be the reason why I feel so outcast-ed at times because everyone is searching for that perfect life: A mom, dad, children, white picket fence with a house on a hill, but I feel like that life has come and gone with me. A viewpoint on life that can be attributed to years of deterioration of the perfect family. A generally accepted idea is that a building with a strong foundation will be sturdy for years to come but you see the crazy thing about deterioration is that it cares not about the structure or strength of a building's foundation. All it cares about is destruction. So the question that arises is how do you prevent the onset of deterioration and that is a question that I do not have the answer to. Maybe the first step is to identify the source and if this is the case I may be closer to erasing it out of my life than I thought.
-Till Next Page

The Bad Outweighs the Good

Saying goodbye to the right,
Like my dad did when I was younger and he said goodbye to his wife,
Who happened to be my mom,
no shoulder to cry on,
So I remained strong,
Continued to press on
through all the bullshit,
through all the sadness,
through all the blueness
No
I was never glad.
Tried the pulpit,
though all the words hit
Every night, same shit
Yes
I was always mad.
Was never really sure who the anger was for ,
So I placed it inward
No
I was never rad.
Not the coolest kid in school,
Even though I was social
Popularity's for fools
cuz its something I never grasped.
Even graduation felt like probation,
Real adoration
Yes
It all seemed like a fad
My life, just wasted time
Whose plan, it wasn't mine
Hoping one day to arise
When the good outweighs the bad

Just Searching for the Green

Emotions on the page
Poems on a rage
Mind's gone insane
Just searching for the green
But I keep it out my eyes
Cuz I seen many die
From wanting the other side
Just searching for the green
Life is kinda bummy
When there's lack of money
Broke jokes not funny
Just searching for the green
Those Franklins mean light
Those Benjamins mean life
Hope I don't lose mine
Just searching for the green
-Till Next Page

The Split

Life is said to be full of goodness, but at times it seems as if none is to be found. While others notice this phenomenon in natural catastrophes such as Haiti or Katrina, I see it in the small misfortunes that befall the common man. A single mother's unsuccessful attempt to receive aid from a government set in place to help people in her predicament or a failed attempt to start a business by a man on his last string. Where is the goodness in that? People try to make the argument that where there is good there is evil leading us to believe that there is a 50/50 split. When at best there is a 30/70 split with evil winning. Now I'm not inferring that more evil exists in the world than good. All I am suggesting is that in some areas the split is reverse. Personally, I just want to go where there is as much good as evil. Where I can wake up and know that I have an even shot at evil as well as good as opposed to waking up and trying to avoid the evil outside my doorstep. But who knows if this is possible? Maybe what bracket you fall in is determined before you were even aware of what good and evil is. Or maybe you have to go through one to reach the other. When you think about it those who had it good there whole life eventually meets an evil which they can not overcome while it seems that good only befalls those who aren't. Hopefully this evil outside my door step is prepping me for the goodness in my future. Till the next page.